(quick little note before you read on: I’ve been kinda unhappy with the ‘content’ I’ve been putting out. I feel as though only beauty, fashion, etc isn’t entirely me. Don’t get me wrong, I do love all of that, but that’s not entirely me. I also love comedy and funny posts are one of my favorites. I think that having a personal blog should also help the owner when needed (eg: if the owner needs to get something off their chest or if they’re having a problem and need advice etc.) so I will be incorporating those ‘rant-y’/maybe a bit more personal posts (like the one you’re about to read) because I sometimes really feel as though my blog is the only place where I can truly say what’s on my mind (and not get judged or laughed at)… so, I hope you don’t mind these smaller changes.. beauty will remain the center of my blog, with these posts on the side 😉 okay… you may start reading this post)
Hello everyone 🙂
I’m finally back! But school is starting soon (a.k.a. tomorrow… it actually started today but I really didn’t want to go..) which is quite depressing, to be honest. There is currently not 1 thing I’m looking forward to in school. It might sound normal, most people (I know) dislike school, but I’m usually really happy to see my friends, at least. However, that’s not the case this time. It’s like I don’t want to see anyone anymore. Especially my schoolmates. Knowing there will be lots and lots of people there and I have to be in the middle of a crowd (if not during the break, in class) makes me feel
scared anxious, I’d say ‘anxious’ describes that feeling the best. I’d much rather sit at home and read or write or even study! Just not go to that place and see all those faces again. School is just so stressful! And, unfortunately for my case, I’m the type of person who cares about grades. It would be much easier if I could just say ‘screw it, one F never killed nobody’. Also, the pressure from my family is real. Sometimes it’s like they care about my grades more than me.
But back to the ‘school is starting soon’ topic. I actually had thoughts like: what if I pretended I was sick and couldn’t go to school for at least a week? or what if I stayed in bed instead if going to school? I don’t know, you could say I’m just anxious… But it has never happened to me before. It’s making me feel kinda weird in the pit of my stomach. Like I’m gonna throw up and cry and punch someone at the same time.
I don’ t know why I feel that way now, but it could be the pointless drama that some people like to feed off of. School is a place where those people are protected, in a way, since they “feed off of drama” and we all know there is a lot of that. It’s tiring.
Oh, but it could be because I know that once school starts, I’ll have NO free time. I have classes on Saturday too and 4/6 days a week that I’m in school, I’m there for 12 or 13 hours. It’s torture! I don’t have time for anything, not even my blog, which helps me stay happy and positive. When I’m writing, it’s like I have no problems, I’ve forgotten all the stress and it’s just me and my blog. ( and you reading this 😀 ) But, the second I close my laptop, reality hits me, all the projects I have, all the tests… everything. And again, my family isn’t helping with that… Once, I was writing a post, I was happy, I could feel I actually had a genuine smile on my face. Then my family marched into my room and took my laptop and turned off my WiFi. They said that I have to focus on my studies, not play games online. And the fact that I bawled my eyes out under my sheet that night says something. (because I never cry.. never!) It probably sounds really bratty, I cried because I didn’t have access to the internet. (‘I mean, really, people are dying and some even don’t have internet!’… i know…) But that wasn’t the reason. It was basically my only source of happiness. Again, it sounds pathetic and maybe fake to some, but it’s true. I hate my school and the people there are… well, let’s just say I’d rather be alone. YouTube, my blog and reading other blogs were the only places where I’d feel happy. genuinely happy, not pretending to be so my friends don’t bombard me with a thousand ‘what’s wrong?’s.. And they took that away from me.
Has this ever happened to you? I’m sure there’s a few (or more) of you out there that have gone through (or are going through) this and I’d appreciate it if you could maybe leave a comment. And I also hope that you could maybe find some use out of this ‘rant’ of mine, at least you know you’re not alone. Or, if you know what’s happening to me, maybe you could help me? 🙂
Thank you for reading.
See ya soon.
(this post was actually kind of hard to write. I don’t know why, I felt kinda anxious writing this too and it took some time for me to press the ‘publish’ button. Maybe because it’s the first time I’ve ever written something this, let’s call it, personal…? please excuse the ‘quality’ and the lack of pictures.. i hope you don’t mind.. i just had to get this off my chest.. thank you for understanding xo)